On Emptiness

I may have frightened some of you off when I mentioned the emptiness I found upon remembering myself for the first time. That emptiness was me, myself, my own being. I am empty. However, I believe the Holy Spirit resides there because I sense him. This is after making the differentiation between myself and the Godhead with and/or in myself.

I think that the Holy Spirit could come through even if people were not empty at the core of their being. From what I read in the Bible, the body is like a conduit through which the Holy Spirit flows.

Also, about being a machine--John Godolphin Bennet, author of Making a Soul, says that there is a difference between doing and choice. We do not do--everything in us happens whether we like it or not. Choice is different, because it means possibilities. You can choose to remember yourself (being acutely aware of yourself being present to yourself (as my professor, Dr. Quentin Dinardo, would say)--that you're you, you're in the here and now). This paradox is much like the paradox one finds upon reading the Bible concerning free will--you have a choice, but you're still a slave to sin. I think that what Bennet and Ouspensky (author of The Psychology of Man's Possible Evolution) are talking about is at least almost exactly like the paradox found in the Bible. I do not want to make any absolute statements here, since translations of the Bible may be full of errors and I do not know everything.

When you remember yourself, you have more possibilities because you are in a higher state of consciousness. I have been there. Since I am in sleep again, it is difficult to explain it. It's difficult anyway since spiritual things can not be fully tied down in words.

The experience was as if a photograph with a bright lightbulb was being taken. I sensed everything, and everything seemed so clear. Bennet, Ouspensky, and others assert that when we have accidental moments of self-consciousness (self-remembering), we create memories.

I do not necessarily agree with everything Bennet and Ouspensky say. I still believe that Jesus was the Son of God and died as a sacrifice for my sins, but the material from my Consciousness and Spirituality class gave me a better vocabulary for assimilating and organizing my faith in my heart and mind.

"The entrence to the temple is gaurded by two demons; they are confusion and paradox (Q. Dinardo, personal communication, 2007)." This was originally stated by a Sufi mystic, but I do not remember his name.

Much Better Today

I feel much better today. I believe the matter is pretty much settled (for now, in case I have another relapse). I guess it's the whole "peace that surpasses all understanding" thing.

Take care all! Thanks for your support.

Unforgivable Sin

One thing that has been bothering me for awhile now is the issue of the Unforgivable Sin (Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit). I have struggled with this before until someone explained it to me, but a couple of months ago, I read a post by this same someone telling someone else that they committed this sin for claiming that they saved souls.

I have been in a state of terror off and on since then. Even if the rebellious are eventually destroyed, I don't want to go where they're going.

I know I shouldn't base my faith off the idea of punishments and rewards. It's so hard not to do so, especially after being brought up Catholic and being sucked into a Fundie cult later on. The idea of being able to commit a sin that would guarantee that they are permantently doomed.

I'm terrified and sick. I don't know what to do. I don't even want to even think about the Holy Spirit for fear that I may screw up somehow.

Texas Lawmaker Wants to Ban Homosexuals from Fostering

It appears that a Texas Republican lawmaker wants to keep Homosexuals from fostering children. It's pure idiocy in my book. I guess in this bozo's eyes no loving, supportive parents (or worse, being put with Fundies) is better than being put with a homosexual couple.

Of course, this lawmaker does not wish to be named. This is unfortunate, because then I would urge my readers to send letters to this person.

It's sickening. Truly sickening.

Here is the link to the story.

Conference of the Lambs

Jeri Massi, an active critic of Christian Fundamentalism and author of the Secret Radio series and Blog on the Lillypad, will be hosting a conference in Charlotte, NC for survivors of church abuse. All are welcome to attend, especially those who have been harmed my spiritual, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse in a church setting as well as those who want to leave legalistic Christianity behind them.

Click here for more information.

Lonliness

I'm getting so lonely recently. I have a couple of friends with whom I can connect, but I would love to talk to someone with whom I can share my thoughts and beliefs comfortably and who will set me straight when needed. Even though I think the relationship between a believer and the Godhead is the most important thing, I think that believers still need other people during their weaker moments. Sometimes, people don't listen as well as they should. I believe that other people need to be there to figuratively (or maybe even literally) slap a believer upside the head and set him straight.

I am wary of churches and "Christian" forums. For one thing, many churches/forums seem like country clubs, and I do not want to be sucked in to a certain denomination or "party line." The contact I would like to have need not be in person, even though that would probably be better. I just want good quality contact and discussions every so often. I don't feel comfortable bearing my mind to the world on issues like this, but I just need to get this out. I'm not absolutely miserable or anything. I make do, but I just would like more contact.

To add to this, I wonder whether or not yearning for contact with other believers for spiritual discussion can be confused with yearning for a romantic partner. I believe that this has been happening to me. When I connect with someone spiritually, sometimes I have romantic feelings toward him. I suppose this is just the flesh getting in the way. I know that sometimes fellowships result in lasting romantic pairings at times, it's hard to have that when the person with whom one is fellowshipping is at least 1,000 miles away. While it is nice to have a romantic partner (which I do not have at this point), what I really think I need is good spiritual discussion with someone who has not been clouded by Fundamentalism or denomination.

The reason I am separating romance and spiritual connectivity apart is that romance seems to take over the situation with me. It clouds the situation, and I end up losing sight of what really matters. That is the truth as I see it.

With work, perhaps I will be better at keeping romantic feelings at bay. If, God willing, I run into someone with whom I can have both a spiritual and romantic connection, hopefully I will have been able to get my emotionality under control so that the idealistic feelings don't cloud my judgment.

Beware the Scribes Back Up! For Real This Time!

Don't take that heading cynically, either. My acquaintance who runs that website got it back up, and none of the original articles have been lost! *safety dance*

Go there now!

Also, I may be putting up some artwork pertaining to spirituality (and no, I'm not talking about that fan-art of me glomping a god character from Sacrifice, either). Stay tuned!

(Almost) Achieving Consciousness(?)

Note: I highly suggest that you go out and get The Inner Journey Home by A. H. Almas and read it for yourself. These understandings are based on my own understandings and those of my professor and classmates. Don't take what I say as gospel.

Today in Consciousness and Spirituality, we talked about chapters three and nine in The Inner Journey Home by A. H. Almas. These chapters were basically about how the soul in addition to being a field of sensitivity, it is a field of consciousness. It is consciousness. It is an organism of consciousness. This consciousness is also presence. Almas uses consciousness and presence interchangeably because that is his findings and the findings of others through personal examination. When a person remembers himself, he is conscious of being conscious, as the soul is at its basic level. Almas says that all thinking, doing, feeling, and other cognitions or actions are separate from this basic ground of the soul. In order to get to a point of self-remembrance (which is the higher state of consciousness that is just above what we usually experience), we must release all these other things and get to the ground, the consciousness, and presence of the soul.

For our exercise, we meditated. The aim of this meditation is to remember yourself, or as Dr. Dinardo put it, "Being acutely aware of yourself being present to yourself." So, with the information that I read and learned, I sought to get to the ground of my soul. I first thought to myself that I was going to experience the soul, that is, the pure consciousness, presence, and "beingness." A few times I had a sense that I was getting very close to something, and each I experienced things in my body. I gasped for air, breathed deeper, my chest felt as if it were clenching (nothing painful, but I was aware of it). It was like coming up for air. I didn't get all the way "there," wherever "there" was in this case. It could have been the higher state of consciousness, but I won't know it for sure until I get there.

It was like the story of a Sufi mystic who, when asked how he achieved enlightenment, said that he learned from watching a dog. He said that the dog kept creeping up to a pool of water in the desert, but frightened by his reflection, he jumped away. After a while, he needed the water so much that he finally just plunged in. We don't want really know ourselves. When we get hints of it, we really don't like what we see. This is at least my own interpretation of it.

Ugghhh...

I know I said I would post a journal entry every week. Well, I'm afraid I will have to do it only once in awhile. My academic life is really putting pressure on me, and other things in my life are going down the toilet. Not really bad when juxtaposed with the Bigger Picture, but is still makes me feel as if I am wading through mud.

Take care, all. I'm sorry.

Journal Entry Delays

I apologize for the lack of journal entries in the last too weeks. I had a rather nasty cold that hung on for a couple of weeks, and now, I just have a cough that will not go away.

Hopefully, I will post something later this week.

In the meantime, enjoy this short video.
And this one, for MST3K fans.

First Entry

"From January 17, 2007.

Today was my first day in a class called Consciousness and Spirituality. My professor described the class as the psychology of consciousness and the evolution of human consciousness. For the first half of the class, he explained the syllabus and out texts. He went down a road telling us about G. Gurdjieff, a spiritual teacher and mentor to P. D. Ouspenksy and J.G. Bennet. Gurdjieff grew up in Georgia, and as an adult, decided that he would dedicate his life to the search for ancient, long-lost knowledge. He finally joined a monastery (I can not remember the exact name and location) he believed would give him the knowledge he needed and lived there for a while. While living at the monastery, he was given the task of bringing what he learned there to the outside world. He established a school outside of Paris in order to convey this information to the world. My professor told us that Gurdjieff believed that we are not born with souls but that we must cultivate a soul and strive to help it develop to its full potential. I regret not being able to provide more detail and I hesitate to use the internet because of the burden of having to sift through unreliable sources.

My professor gave us his own insights about the nature of being and the insights of his own mentors on the subject. He said that “[we] are the living manifestation of the collective mind” of civilization. He believes that people are a product of their particular civilization and that individual people as members of a particular civilization are “like fruit on a tree and berries on a bush.” This how powerful the force of culture is on a person. One civilization can be thought of as an apple tree and another as a pear tree.

When a person is “awake” or truly conscious (as opposed to the “sleep” in which most people seem to move about daily), a person goes beyond the forces of culture. They go beyond their programming are no longer slaves to their cultural programming. My professor said that in a state which he calls “true self-consciousness,” a person is in a state in which he is consciously aware of where his is in his own being. I suppose the state in which most people are existing is such that people are not really sure where they are in life. They just go through life with the flow. I am not talking about people who follow no schedule, nor do I think that following schedules are a bad thing. I just agree with my professor that most people are simply not “awake.” Most people simply get up, go to work/school, come home, focus on their material lives, and maybe include some religion here and there as custom dictates. I have to wonder whether or not most people I see on the street are “awake.” I honestly can not make that judgment, but my professor said something about a story in which the first Buddha, Siddhartha, was walking along. A man came up to Siddhartha and noticed something different about him. The man asked him if he was a king, prince, owner of much land, or some other type of prestigious person. Siddhartha simply answered, “I am awake.” This goes back to what Odin, former owner of BewaretheScribes.net, said about people who are saved (and I paraphrase): “Those who are truly connected to God will be identified as such [or at least as something different or special].”

In another story the professor told the class is one in which Siddhartha was walking along with many, many disciples following him. A person came up to Siddhartha and asked him about his teachings. Siddhartha said that he could not teach people about the level he (Siddartha) attained. He went on to say that he hopes that he is giving his disciples “a thirst” for conscious growth. I suppose that is what happens when the Spirit convicts people. That is what happened to me, at least. I suddenly had this thirst to learn and grow. After a year or so, I started to slack off. I’ll talk more about getting back off my bum in a minute.

Anyway, we took a ten minute break. I asked the professor for clarification of some detail on the syllabus. He clarified it for me and remarked that I was very detail-oriented. I sheepishly agreed with him and told him that I had been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. What he said in response made sense and confirmed what I had already thought. He told me that many times assets are treated as illnesses. He added that having what people may call an “anxiety disorder” means that a person is “like a rabbit that just came out of his hole looking for danger,” and that it could be a real asset. He did agree that the energies of those talents may be focused in life-disrupting patterns (such as excessive, repeated checking, obsessing, excessive washing, excessive “prayer,” and other compulsions). The point of this is that many times, talents can be misdirected into behaviors that do not serve us well. Being detail oriented is useful in many situations, such as designing a automobile or space station component, but when those energies are focused into unproductive behaviors, they only serve to make us miserable. Sometimes, useful behaviors can be mislabeled as being a symptom of a disorder. My professor explained that even though Freud did give psychology many useful ideas, but his habit of calling any strange behavior a symptom of some illness was shortsighted. Instead of correctly identifying truly dysfunctional behavior and thought processes (that come of misdirecting energies) as symptoms, many people would say that being detail-oriented is itself an illness. My professor said that the job of the therapist is to redirect energies (or something to that effect) so that a person engages in fewer instances of dysfunctional behavior. I suppose the complete ceasing of dysfunctional behaviors is possible in adepts (sages or enlightened people) who have “made it” all the way to the highest state of consciousness, if there aren’t infinite dimensions of consciousness. (That’s a doozy to think about, eh?)

We did a class exercise for the second half of the class period. The professor instructed us to walk around the room and gaze closely at other people in silence. We had to really look at the people we passed and think about what we were feeling when we looked at each person. I was apprehensive about looking closely at others and about having others look closely at me at first, but then I started feeling like I was looking into people. I also felt that they were looking into me. With one person, it felt as if we were meshing halfway. The time we spent looking at one another seemed longer and deeper than the time I spent looking at others. There were a couple of others with whom I seemed to connect as well. After this part of the exercise, we were to pair up with the person with whom we felt the best about connecting. I tried to pair up with that aforementioned person, but I hesitated and he paired up with someone else. I paired up with someone I knew but felt somewhat good about looking at. I guess that feeling about her came partially from recognizing her from a past class we had together and already having preconceived notions of what she was like based on what I knew about her from that time. She also did not look at me for very long. I felt that she was holding back a little like many other people in the class. Anyway, in our pairs we were to walk around the room and look at other people as pairs. I felt some connection with the people, but not nearly as much as I did when looking at others one-on-one. I felt that I the connection was more spread out and less concentrated than as it was when looking at others individually.

Then, as pairs, we paired with other pairs and sat in a circle. We talked about our experiences walking around in pairs, and then we were clustered into larger groups. The larger groups were to talk about their reasons for taking the class and what they hoped to gain from it. One lady really stood out to me. She said that it was her third time taking the course because something in her did not want to go further the last couple of times. Something in her became extremely uncomfortable. It was not the amount of material to read or the difficulty of the tests, but there was something in her that recoiled during the process. I could say it was something in her that she did not want to confront, but only she and the Godhead know that. Another person said that she wanted to gain more knowledge for the sake of learning. This lady was a true scholar. She had such a thirst for knowledge that she said learning was “like Christmas morning every day.” She laughed with delight as she was saying this. I have never seen such zeal before, and I have to say that I am envious of her zeal. Another person said he wanted to learn to understand people better since he is working internationally as a mechanical engineer.

I am taking the course because I want to not only fill in my elective requirements, but also to further my spiritual development. I believe that I am backslidden a bit, and I have not been growing much recently, if at all. Hopefully, the experiences in this class would jumpstart the growth again. I have a sense that I will be challenged a great deal and experience some level or pain along the way. My professor even said that the course was challenging, saying that “[we] will gain a thirst for that development or choke on it.” He even said that some people may not be able to handle the class if they are so stuck in their beliefs and want nothing to do with challenging them. One lady decided to leave and put off taking the class until the next Spring semester so she could give all of her time to the class. I was about to ask God about whether or not I should stay, but I immediately sensed something to the effect of “You’re Staying!” So stay I shall.

Finally, we all got together in a large circle as a class to discuss our feelings on the exercise and about sitting in the circle. I mentioned the sense of connectiveness in the circle and the feeling of love that seemed to go in and out of me and everyone. One incredibly bright lady said that the connection itself is love and the loving of another person. It makes sense, because connecting at a deep level (at least to a level one is not accustomed) makes one vulnerable. Allowing someone to come in takes a great deal of trust, and it becomes such an intimate experience as my professor said. It’s quite difficult to put it into words. The professor quoted a character from the beginning of the movie Crash: “This is not a real city. In real cities like New York or Chicago, people brush up against each other. It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.”* The same bright lady I mentioned earlier also said that how you perceive a spiritual experience (or even if you perceive an experience as such) depends on your outlook on life. Some people are more open to receiving a taste of wakefulness and others are not. People color experiences with what is programmed into them by their culture. I imagine the coloring of experiences happens progressively less as someone gets closer to the higher state of being for which everyone strives in some way. Some people just happen to get on the wrong road to it, whether it be by drugs, eating, material wealth, religion, and other mundane things. Aristotle said that everything strives for its final cause, or telos. Many times, what Aristotle calls the agent of motion may be events that change us and rattle our cages to wake us up. This whole discussion made me think of the “Allegory of the Cave” from Plato’s Republic. Read it and you’ll see why." http://www.ilt.columbia.edu/publications/Projects/digitexts/plato/the_republic/book07.html

*Part of this quote was taken from Wikipquote: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Crash

Things Are Going to Get A Lot More Interesting Around Here

I started a class called Consciousness and Spirituality today. It is very interesting, and I am journaling about it in my spiral notebook. I will be typing these journal entries and posting them here. I have already written an entry, but I am too lazy at the moment to type it up and post it here (it's seven written pages, not front-and-back). These posts are going to be long, and involve the use of words such as "feeling," "sense," "energies," and other concepts that people who have at least a slight distaste for emotionalism and instinct being involved in spirituality may not enjoy. These will consist of what happened in class and what my professor said. I will also include my own insights and interpretations as well.

The required texts (not including readings from out-of-print books in the library) for this class: The Psychology of Man's Possible Evolution by P.D. Ouspensky, Living Presence: A Sufi Way to Mindfulness & the Essential Self by Kabir Edmund Helminski, and Making A Soul: Human Destiny and the Debt of Our Existence by J.G. Bennet. There will be concepts from spiritualities that predate Christianity as we know it, but Jesus basically espoused the same ideas that other contemporaries did. I just happen to believe that He is the Son of God and that He died as a sacrifice for my sins. There is no reason why I should not be able to bring in some concepts I learn and utilize them to have a better understanding of my individual spirituality. You may not know this, but in the Gospel of Mary Magdeline which was found among the collection of scrolls ascertained at Nag Hummadi, the author talks about individual development, just as Jesus did as I interpret the New Testament. I make the mistake of taking other people's interpretation as gospel (no pun intended) as opposed to taking the voice of God (not a collection of scrolls as we know as a book) as God's literal word.

I will mention the name of my professor with his permission. Until then, take care all, and God bless.

New Links

I put up some of the old links from the blog. I also included links to pregnancy crisis centers for pregnant women and friends of pregnant women. Some support abortion, some discourage it.

I do not like abortion, but I do not believe in making it illegal. The government has no place in legislating religious doctrine.

Back at LSH (Last Stop Hell)

I was browsing through my old posts here and I realized that I had posted about not going back to the Last Stop Hell forum. Well, I went back after awhile. I know, I know.

It's like a train wreck--it's hard to turn away. This time, though, I am not upset by the Fundie rants. They either bore me or I simply do not read them (most of them are too darn long to read because they probably copied and pasted the content from another website). The nonFundies have taken over and do most of the posting. It's really not what it used to be. If I were more in favor of LSH, I would say that it has deteriorated. Frankly, I'm glad. It is no longer as efficient as it was for dragging unsuspecting souls into the Web of Fundamentalist Despair.

In other news, I decided to post some links and organize them nicely. Of course, I did not republish my Blog after editing the template. ::(

Beware the Scribes Not Likely to be Revived

I just recently contacted the webmaster of the old Beware the Scribes website, and he said that he can't get in touch with the provider. It is unlikely that it will be revived.

Here's to a good run for a friend's dream. It may not have lasted long, but Hell, it happened.

Beware the Scribes still down...

Since this site has been down for a while, I decided to remove the link until it comes back up.

Pet Love And Loss

On Sunday, I lost my oldest kitty, Samantha. She had to be put down due to kidney failure. She was the sweetest little kitty who would go up to almost anyone to be petted.

For all of you who have lost a non-human loved one, this site is a resource of gentle support from those who understand.

Personally, I believe that there is at least a small part of an animal's being that goes someplace after death (other than the ground/dumpster/crematorium/etc for you snarky folks). It's a comforting belief, anyway.

Perhaps when I am healed and more mature in my faith, I may not need to hold on to such a thing. For right now, though, this provides comfort to me.

When you lose a loved one, it is important to allow yourself to grieve in the best way you know how. The rest of society may be rude or not even care, but you need to start the healing process right after the hurt.

God bless, all. Rest in peace, Samantha.

Beware the Scribes Back Up!

Beware the Scribes is up and running again! Go check it out!

Also, allow me to pimp my deviantART page.

Andrea Yates Found Not Guilty By Reason of Insanity

Click here for the story.

Now that the verdict has been reached, I wonder if there will be any more investigation (legal, journalistic (Is that even a word?), or otherwise) into how the nature of the Fundamentalist Christian beliefs imposed on Yates affected her.

I do not believe that her mental illness excuses what she did. Murdering children is wrong.

I think this situation is another example of the horrible effect that Fundamentalism has on people. My own bout with Christian Fundamentalism nearly drove me to suicide. As a friend of mine once said on a message board, "Satan just sits back and laughs because the Fundamentalists are doing his job for him!"

The webmaster of this site escaped with his sanity from the pastor of the Yates couple. What the hell is wrong with people?

Edit, because I do not want to do another post: I did not watch the ABC Primetime show with tapes of Mrs. Yates being played. I knew that I would not have been able to handle it.

If you're as angry with Christian Fundamentalism as I am, go here.

Televangelism: Tricks of the Trade

Still not willing to take televangelists with at least a grain of salt? Watch these videos...

Excerpt from "Nova"

Excerpts from Marjoe

For dessert to cool your off, here are a couple of clips for a taste of the bizzare and perhaps a couple of infantile giggles:

Robot Tilton's Poodles

Have your Beano handy.

Benny Hinn, or Benny Hill?