How Much Better is "Better?"

In a few of my blog posts, I said that I am "better." Well, I'm better in that I don't get anxiety attacks and that I don't do many outward compulsions anymore, but I am still struggling. It is still bad enough that the impulsive thoughts come up when it can be linked to possibly blashpeming a part of the Trinity in some way. I'm getting the thoughts as I type this post.

I just felt led to be more honest. Truthfully, I'm afraid of reading the Bible. I get triggered. I know that this is a poor excuse to avoid it, and that the more I avoid it, the worse the scrupulosity will be, but I'm still terrified that I might find that I am permenantly doomed to the Lake of Fire. I tried to accept Universal Salvation, but I am terribly doubtful of it. When people say, "Well, those verses were mistranslated!" or "Jesus actually mean this," I can't help but think that any Joe Schmoe can say whatever the heck they want to say about the scriptures. I'm even doubtful of the eventual annihlation of the damned. It's almost back to square one with Eternal Torment again. There's a reason OCD is sometimes called "the doubting disease."

What is really bad is that I've backslidden. So, I'm backslidden, I worry, I try to be better, I still worry...no, OCD isn't a logical mode of thought. No, it isn't easy to just "snap out of it," either.

The worst part about all of this is that I don't have many human supporters who know what it's like. I know God is supposed to be enough, but I need other people, and I feel terrible about it. I'm thinking about picking up a book called Can Christianity Cure Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?: A Psychiatrist Explores the Role of Faith in Treatment by Ian Osborn that a reader suggested. It's supposed to be helpful.

Take care, all, and God bless.