Journal Entry Delays

I apologize for the lack of journal entries in the last too weeks. I had a rather nasty cold that hung on for a couple of weeks, and now, I just have a cough that will not go away.

Hopefully, I will post something later this week.

In the meantime, enjoy this short video.
And this one, for MST3K fans.

First Entry

"From January 17, 2007.

Today was my first day in a class called Consciousness and Spirituality. My professor described the class as the psychology of consciousness and the evolution of human consciousness. For the first half of the class, he explained the syllabus and out texts. He went down a road telling us about G. Gurdjieff, a spiritual teacher and mentor to P. D. Ouspenksy and J.G. Bennet. Gurdjieff grew up in Georgia, and as an adult, decided that he would dedicate his life to the search for ancient, long-lost knowledge. He finally joined a monastery (I can not remember the exact name and location) he believed would give him the knowledge he needed and lived there for a while. While living at the monastery, he was given the task of bringing what he learned there to the outside world. He established a school outside of Paris in order to convey this information to the world. My professor told us that Gurdjieff believed that we are not born with souls but that we must cultivate a soul and strive to help it develop to its full potential. I regret not being able to provide more detail and I hesitate to use the internet because of the burden of having to sift through unreliable sources.

My professor gave us his own insights about the nature of being and the insights of his own mentors on the subject. He said that “[we] are the living manifestation of the collective mind” of civilization. He believes that people are a product of their particular civilization and that individual people as members of a particular civilization are “like fruit on a tree and berries on a bush.” This how powerful the force of culture is on a person. One civilization can be thought of as an apple tree and another as a pear tree.

When a person is “awake” or truly conscious (as opposed to the “sleep” in which most people seem to move about daily), a person goes beyond the forces of culture. They go beyond their programming are no longer slaves to their cultural programming. My professor said that in a state which he calls “true self-consciousness,” a person is in a state in which he is consciously aware of where his is in his own being. I suppose the state in which most people are existing is such that people are not really sure where they are in life. They just go through life with the flow. I am not talking about people who follow no schedule, nor do I think that following schedules are a bad thing. I just agree with my professor that most people are simply not “awake.” Most people simply get up, go to work/school, come home, focus on their material lives, and maybe include some religion here and there as custom dictates. I have to wonder whether or not most people I see on the street are “awake.” I honestly can not make that judgment, but my professor said something about a story in which the first Buddha, Siddhartha, was walking along. A man came up to Siddhartha and noticed something different about him. The man asked him if he was a king, prince, owner of much land, or some other type of prestigious person. Siddhartha simply answered, “I am awake.” This goes back to what Odin, former owner of BewaretheScribes.net, said about people who are saved (and I paraphrase): “Those who are truly connected to God will be identified as such [or at least as something different or special].”

In another story the professor told the class is one in which Siddhartha was walking along with many, many disciples following him. A person came up to Siddhartha and asked him about his teachings. Siddhartha said that he could not teach people about the level he (Siddartha) attained. He went on to say that he hopes that he is giving his disciples “a thirst” for conscious growth. I suppose that is what happens when the Spirit convicts people. That is what happened to me, at least. I suddenly had this thirst to learn and grow. After a year or so, I started to slack off. I’ll talk more about getting back off my bum in a minute.

Anyway, we took a ten minute break. I asked the professor for clarification of some detail on the syllabus. He clarified it for me and remarked that I was very detail-oriented. I sheepishly agreed with him and told him that I had been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. What he said in response made sense and confirmed what I had already thought. He told me that many times assets are treated as illnesses. He added that having what people may call an “anxiety disorder” means that a person is “like a rabbit that just came out of his hole looking for danger,” and that it could be a real asset. He did agree that the energies of those talents may be focused in life-disrupting patterns (such as excessive, repeated checking, obsessing, excessive washing, excessive “prayer,” and other compulsions). The point of this is that many times, talents can be misdirected into behaviors that do not serve us well. Being detail oriented is useful in many situations, such as designing a automobile or space station component, but when those energies are focused into unproductive behaviors, they only serve to make us miserable. Sometimes, useful behaviors can be mislabeled as being a symptom of a disorder. My professor explained that even though Freud did give psychology many useful ideas, but his habit of calling any strange behavior a symptom of some illness was shortsighted. Instead of correctly identifying truly dysfunctional behavior and thought processes (that come of misdirecting energies) as symptoms, many people would say that being detail-oriented is itself an illness. My professor said that the job of the therapist is to redirect energies (or something to that effect) so that a person engages in fewer instances of dysfunctional behavior. I suppose the complete ceasing of dysfunctional behaviors is possible in adepts (sages or enlightened people) who have “made it” all the way to the highest state of consciousness, if there aren’t infinite dimensions of consciousness. (That’s a doozy to think about, eh?)

We did a class exercise for the second half of the class period. The professor instructed us to walk around the room and gaze closely at other people in silence. We had to really look at the people we passed and think about what we were feeling when we looked at each person. I was apprehensive about looking closely at others and about having others look closely at me at first, but then I started feeling like I was looking into people. I also felt that they were looking into me. With one person, it felt as if we were meshing halfway. The time we spent looking at one another seemed longer and deeper than the time I spent looking at others. There were a couple of others with whom I seemed to connect as well. After this part of the exercise, we were to pair up with the person with whom we felt the best about connecting. I tried to pair up with that aforementioned person, but I hesitated and he paired up with someone else. I paired up with someone I knew but felt somewhat good about looking at. I guess that feeling about her came partially from recognizing her from a past class we had together and already having preconceived notions of what she was like based on what I knew about her from that time. She also did not look at me for very long. I felt that she was holding back a little like many other people in the class. Anyway, in our pairs we were to walk around the room and look at other people as pairs. I felt some connection with the people, but not nearly as much as I did when looking at others one-on-one. I felt that I the connection was more spread out and less concentrated than as it was when looking at others individually.

Then, as pairs, we paired with other pairs and sat in a circle. We talked about our experiences walking around in pairs, and then we were clustered into larger groups. The larger groups were to talk about their reasons for taking the class and what they hoped to gain from it. One lady really stood out to me. She said that it was her third time taking the course because something in her did not want to go further the last couple of times. Something in her became extremely uncomfortable. It was not the amount of material to read or the difficulty of the tests, but there was something in her that recoiled during the process. I could say it was something in her that she did not want to confront, but only she and the Godhead know that. Another person said that she wanted to gain more knowledge for the sake of learning. This lady was a true scholar. She had such a thirst for knowledge that she said learning was “like Christmas morning every day.” She laughed with delight as she was saying this. I have never seen such zeal before, and I have to say that I am envious of her zeal. Another person said he wanted to learn to understand people better since he is working internationally as a mechanical engineer.

I am taking the course because I want to not only fill in my elective requirements, but also to further my spiritual development. I believe that I am backslidden a bit, and I have not been growing much recently, if at all. Hopefully, the experiences in this class would jumpstart the growth again. I have a sense that I will be challenged a great deal and experience some level or pain along the way. My professor even said that the course was challenging, saying that “[we] will gain a thirst for that development or choke on it.” He even said that some people may not be able to handle the class if they are so stuck in their beliefs and want nothing to do with challenging them. One lady decided to leave and put off taking the class until the next Spring semester so she could give all of her time to the class. I was about to ask God about whether or not I should stay, but I immediately sensed something to the effect of “You’re Staying!” So stay I shall.

Finally, we all got together in a large circle as a class to discuss our feelings on the exercise and about sitting in the circle. I mentioned the sense of connectiveness in the circle and the feeling of love that seemed to go in and out of me and everyone. One incredibly bright lady said that the connection itself is love and the loving of another person. It makes sense, because connecting at a deep level (at least to a level one is not accustomed) makes one vulnerable. Allowing someone to come in takes a great deal of trust, and it becomes such an intimate experience as my professor said. It’s quite difficult to put it into words. The professor quoted a character from the beginning of the movie Crash: “This is not a real city. In real cities like New York or Chicago, people brush up against each other. It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.”* The same bright lady I mentioned earlier also said that how you perceive a spiritual experience (or even if you perceive an experience as such) depends on your outlook on life. Some people are more open to receiving a taste of wakefulness and others are not. People color experiences with what is programmed into them by their culture. I imagine the coloring of experiences happens progressively less as someone gets closer to the higher state of being for which everyone strives in some way. Some people just happen to get on the wrong road to it, whether it be by drugs, eating, material wealth, religion, and other mundane things. Aristotle said that everything strives for its final cause, or telos. Many times, what Aristotle calls the agent of motion may be events that change us and rattle our cages to wake us up. This whole discussion made me think of the “Allegory of the Cave” from Plato’s Republic. Read it and you’ll see why." http://www.ilt.columbia.edu/publications/Projects/digitexts/plato/the_republic/book07.html

*Part of this quote was taken from Wikipquote: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Crash

Things Are Going to Get A Lot More Interesting Around Here

I started a class called Consciousness and Spirituality today. It is very interesting, and I am journaling about it in my spiral notebook. I will be typing these journal entries and posting them here. I have already written an entry, but I am too lazy at the moment to type it up and post it here (it's seven written pages, not front-and-back). These posts are going to be long, and involve the use of words such as "feeling," "sense," "energies," and other concepts that people who have at least a slight distaste for emotionalism and instinct being involved in spirituality may not enjoy. These will consist of what happened in class and what my professor said. I will also include my own insights and interpretations as well.

The required texts (not including readings from out-of-print books in the library) for this class: The Psychology of Man's Possible Evolution by P.D. Ouspensky, Living Presence: A Sufi Way to Mindfulness & the Essential Self by Kabir Edmund Helminski, and Making A Soul: Human Destiny and the Debt of Our Existence by J.G. Bennet. There will be concepts from spiritualities that predate Christianity as we know it, but Jesus basically espoused the same ideas that other contemporaries did. I just happen to believe that He is the Son of God and that He died as a sacrifice for my sins. There is no reason why I should not be able to bring in some concepts I learn and utilize them to have a better understanding of my individual spirituality. You may not know this, but in the Gospel of Mary Magdeline which was found among the collection of scrolls ascertained at Nag Hummadi, the author talks about individual development, just as Jesus did as I interpret the New Testament. I make the mistake of taking other people's interpretation as gospel (no pun intended) as opposed to taking the voice of God (not a collection of scrolls as we know as a book) as God's literal word.

I will mention the name of my professor with his permission. Until then, take care all, and God bless.

New Links

I put up some of the old links from the blog. I also included links to pregnancy crisis centers for pregnant women and friends of pregnant women. Some support abortion, some discourage it.

I do not like abortion, but I do not believe in making it illegal. The government has no place in legislating religious doctrine.

Back at LSH (Last Stop Hell)

I was browsing through my old posts here and I realized that I had posted about not going back to the Last Stop Hell forum. Well, I went back after awhile. I know, I know.

It's like a train wreck--it's hard to turn away. This time, though, I am not upset by the Fundie rants. They either bore me or I simply do not read them (most of them are too darn long to read because they probably copied and pasted the content from another website). The nonFundies have taken over and do most of the posting. It's really not what it used to be. If I were more in favor of LSH, I would say that it has deteriorated. Frankly, I'm glad. It is no longer as efficient as it was for dragging unsuspecting souls into the Web of Fundamentalist Despair.

In other news, I decided to post some links and organize them nicely. Of course, I did not republish my Blog after editing the template. ::(

Beware the Scribes Not Likely to be Revived

I just recently contacted the webmaster of the old Beware the Scribes website, and he said that he can't get in touch with the provider. It is unlikely that it will be revived.

Here's to a good run for a friend's dream. It may not have lasted long, but Hell, it happened.

Beware the Scribes still down...

Since this site has been down for a while, I decided to remove the link until it comes back up.

Pet Love And Loss

On Sunday, I lost my oldest kitty, Samantha. She had to be put down due to kidney failure. She was the sweetest little kitty who would go up to almost anyone to be petted.

For all of you who have lost a non-human loved one, this site is a resource of gentle support from those who understand.

Personally, I believe that there is at least a small part of an animal's being that goes someplace after death (other than the ground/dumpster/crematorium/etc for you snarky folks). It's a comforting belief, anyway.

Perhaps when I am healed and more mature in my faith, I may not need to hold on to such a thing. For right now, though, this provides comfort to me.

When you lose a loved one, it is important to allow yourself to grieve in the best way you know how. The rest of society may be rude or not even care, but you need to start the healing process right after the hurt.

God bless, all. Rest in peace, Samantha.

Beware the Scribes Back Up!

Beware the Scribes is up and running again! Go check it out!

Also, allow me to pimp my deviantART page.

Andrea Yates Found Not Guilty By Reason of Insanity

Click here for the story.

Now that the verdict has been reached, I wonder if there will be any more investigation (legal, journalistic (Is that even a word?), or otherwise) into how the nature of the Fundamentalist Christian beliefs imposed on Yates affected her.

I do not believe that her mental illness excuses what she did. Murdering children is wrong.

I think this situation is another example of the horrible effect that Fundamentalism has on people. My own bout with Christian Fundamentalism nearly drove me to suicide. As a friend of mine once said on a message board, "Satan just sits back and laughs because the Fundamentalists are doing his job for him!"

The webmaster of this site escaped with his sanity from the pastor of the Yates couple. What the hell is wrong with people?

Edit, because I do not want to do another post: I did not watch the ABC Primetime show with tapes of Mrs. Yates being played. I knew that I would not have been able to handle it.

If you're as angry with Christian Fundamentalism as I am, go here.

Televangelism: Tricks of the Trade

Still not willing to take televangelists with at least a grain of salt? Watch these videos...

Excerpt from "Nova"

Excerpts from Marjoe

For dessert to cool your off, here are a couple of clips for a taste of the bizzare and perhaps a couple of infantile giggles:

Robot Tilton's Poodles

Have your Beano handy.

Benny Hinn, or Benny Hill?

Happy 4th!

I want to wish all my fellow Americans out there a happy and safe Independence Day, whatever you do today.

For the occasion, here is a silly little test from Blogthings.com:

How "Average American" Are You?

You Are 70% "Average American"

You are average because you don't have a college degree. You are not average since you would pay to go in space.

How "Average American" Are You?

I'm still an undergraduate at this point. I only have two more semeters to go!

Very Pretty Flash On NewGrounds

Click Here.

This was done for a religion class by three students. It has a strong spiritual message in it without any direct reference to any particular religion.

Memorial Day

I hope everyone in the United States is having a wonderful and meaningful Memorial Day, whatever your beliefs.

Whether or not you agree with the war, please take a moment to encourage the men and women who are in the military.

This is for the United States military:
Operation Dear Abby

For those of you outside the United States, here are some websites where you can send a message to your troops as well. I know that you do not celebrate Memorial Day, but since blogs and be read from all over the world, I do not think it would not be fair to only post links to send messages for your armed forces. Here are the sites that I could find:

For Canada:
Write to the Troops

For the UK:
Support Our Soldiers

For Germany:
Soldiers' Angels Germany: Send Messages to Ill and Injured Soliders

Institute For Psychological Heath

I heard an advertisement for this on the radio last night, and I decided to check it out. They are an organization that tries to help the community and professionals work together to create an environment where mental health can thrive.

Institute For Psychological Heath

Gospel of Judas

I just watched a little bit of the National Geographic special, "The Gospel of Judas."

I thought it was interesting. The document that they found was found to be an authentic document in that it was dated between 220-340 AD. The document they found was a copy, probably to preserve the gospel in case the original was destroyed.

Basically, the Gospel of Judas says that Judas was commanded by Jesus to betray him; at least that is what is conveyed in the documentary. Even if the account of Judas is true, Christians need not worry. Jesus still died and was resurrected according to the other gospels.

My sister put forth the idea that the fact that Jesus' crucifixion was not mentioned in the Gospel of Judas can possibly mean that Judas did not see the crucifixon because he was running for his life. Judas was probably worried, as he saw in a vision that he was being stoned by the other apostles.

As for Judas hanging himself, it is said in Acts 1:18 that Judas fell and his body burst, his insides (it says "bowels" in the KJV) fell out.

Even with the possibility that it is not true, it is still interesting to consider things that are different from what we are used to. Being that the Gospel of Judas has Gnostic elements that are highlighted by the documentary, I take it with a grain of salt. Even though I do not agree with a few of the Gnostic teachings, it is still interesting to consider what someone could draw from them, such as considering the body and the world a prison that keeps a person from reaching a higher spiritual level. I don't think many Christians can dispute that idea. We are imprisoned in an imperfect body, and the body is in conflict with the spirit.

All the information on the Gospel of Judas was taken from the documentary and National Geographic's website.

National Geographic Presents the Gospel of Judas

New Link!

LeavingFundamentalism.Org

The "author" of this webpage is still a Christian, but he seems open to those who are exploring other beliefs.

They have a forum, too!

Medication Continued

I finally saw the psychiatrist today. She asked me how I was without the medication, and I told her. She told me that since Zoloft is not addictive, it's most likely not withdrawal--going from 100mg to 0mg (having the outide help and suddenly not having it) was a shock.

She has put me on 100mg of Zoloft for the next six months. After this period of time, she will talk to me about possibly taking me down to 75mg.

Meds--Long Post

I saw the therapist today, and I was reminded that I still have a stigma attached to taking medication. It was my therapist who made me realize this.

I have been off my Zoloft (100 mg) for a couple of weeks because I did not make a refill appointment with my psychiatrist soon enough, and I ran out of refills. The past two weeks have made me realize that I still probably need 100mg of Zoloft just as much as I needed it this past summer. The psychiatrist may have other ideas, though, and that’s fine.

For the past couple of weeks while not on the medication, I have been increasingly paranoid, timid, irritable, assuming the worst of people’s intentions, seeing other human beings as being inferior, having violent thoughts, having exaggerated aggressive feelings, being disgusted with the bodily functions of others (besides the obvious that come to mind), blaming those who I have lent support for my lack of mental/emotional energy, and being frustrated with other people. Basically, I feel like was I was back in high school.

Now, I know not having my medication is no excuse for these behaviors. Some of you reading this may have caught fallout from this, and I am sorry if you are one of those people. The main point of this entry is that I am upset by the thought that I actually need medication to act like a decent human being. I know these symptoms are probably from withdrawal, but I am still disappointed that I am not strong enough on my own to make myself be decent. I tried to be decent and not have horrible thoughts, but I gave up trying. It was too hard. I know there really is not any excuse for this, but too much has been going on, and without my medication, I am having trouble caring at all.

It’s hard for me to just chalk it up to being chemically imbalanced because I feel like I am excusing my behavior. It’s also very hard for me to not throw blame at God, even if for just a moment before further reflection. I wonder why I was born this way, I wonder why God “made me” this way, and I become angry. It’s not fair to do that, though. What helps is to remember that (at least in my opinion) all the crap that is out there is a result of the fall, and all of Adam’s descendents are unfortunate recipients of a biological set of cards that will serve them for better or worse. It’s not God’s fault, and I had to remind myself of this.

I guess I don’t want to think that I am still a sinful being. I want to believe that I am past that when I am really not. I guess you can say it is something that could be a humbling experience if received, but damn, it’s hard.

My therapist told me something that really helped. Paraphrased, she told me that a person’s nervous system is no different from the heart, and since needing a pacemaker does not make someone a bad person, needing medication to keep the nervous system (which includes the brain) in balance does not make someone a bad person either. I just hate the thought of weakness in myself.

Also, when I am on the medication, I appreciate it because it helps. However, I did not allow myself to recognise my own stigmas against taking medication, and a part of me is still ashamed of it.

Edited at 6:57 PM on 2/25/06

Beware the Scribes.Net

An aquaintence's webpage, Beware the Scribes.Net, has been revamped. Take a look!

Homepage
Forum

Beware the Scribes is a place where everyone is welcome to discuss Fundamentalism, politics, spirituality, philosophy, religion, or anything else you think is of merit for posting. You can submit articles after you have signed up on the homepage. Signing up on the forums is encouraged, especially if you have registered on the main page.

Be courteous, and we will be courteous.