I saw the therapist today, and I was reminded that I still have a stigma attached to taking medication. It was my therapist who made me realize this.
I have been off my Zoloft (100 mg) for a couple of weeks because I did not make a refill appointment with my psychiatrist soon enough, and I ran out of refills. The past two weeks have made me realize that I still probably need 100mg of Zoloft just as much as I needed it this past summer. The psychiatrist may have other ideas, though, and that’s fine.
For the past couple of weeks while not on the medication, I have been increasingly paranoid, timid, irritable, assuming the worst of people’s intentions, seeing other human beings as being inferior, having violent thoughts, having exaggerated aggressive feelings, being disgusted with the bodily functions of others (besides the obvious that come to mind), blaming those who I have lent support for my lack of mental/emotional energy, and being frustrated with other people. Basically, I feel like was I was back in high school.
Now, I know not having my medication is no excuse for these behaviors. Some of you reading this may have caught fallout from this, and I am sorry if you are one of those people. The main point of this entry is that I am upset by the thought that I actually need medication to act like a decent human being. I know these symptoms are probably from withdrawal, but I am still disappointed that I am not strong enough on my own to make myself be decent. I tried to be decent and not have horrible thoughts, but I gave up trying. It was too hard. I know there really is not any excuse for this, but too much has been going on, and without my medication, I am having trouble caring at all.
It’s hard for me to just chalk it up to being chemically imbalanced because I feel like I am excusing my behavior. It’s also very hard for me to not throw blame at God, even if for just a moment before further reflection. I wonder why I was born this way, I wonder why God “made me” this way, and I become angry. It’s not fair to do that, though. What helps is to remember that (at least in my opinion) all the crap that is out there is a result of the fall, and all of Adam’s descendents are unfortunate recipients of a biological set of cards that will serve them for better or worse. It’s not God’s fault, and I had to remind myself of this.
I guess I don’t want to think that I am still a sinful being. I want to believe that I am past that when I am really not. I guess you can say it is something that could be a humbling experience if received, but damn, it’s hard.
My therapist told me something that really helped. Paraphrased, she told me that a person’s nervous system is no different from the heart, and since needing a pacemaker does not make someone a bad person, needing medication to keep the nervous system (which includes the brain) in balance does not make someone a bad person either. I just hate the thought of weakness in myself.
Also, when I am on the medication, I appreciate it because it helps. However, I did not allow myself to recognise my own stigmas against taking medication, and a part of me is still ashamed of it.
Edited at 6:57 PM on 2/25/06
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5 comments:
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We work like a horse.
We eat like a pig.
We like to play chicken.
You can get someone's goat.
We can be as slippery as a snake.
We get dog tired.
We can be as quiet as a mouse.
We can be as quick as a cat.
Some of us are as strong as an ox.
People try to buffalo others.
Some are as ugly as a toad.
We can be as gentle as a lamb.
Sometimes we are as happy as a lark.
Some of us drink like a fish.
We can be as proud as a peacock.
A few of us are as hairy as a gorilla.
You can get a frog in your throat.
We can be a lone wolf.
But I'm having a whale of a time!
You have a riveting web log
and undoubtedly must have
atypical & quiescent potential
for your intended readership.
May I suggest that you do
everything in your power to
honor your encyclopedic/omniscient
Designer/Architect as well
as your revering audience.
As soon as we acknowledge
this Supreme Designer/Architect,
Who has erected the beauteous
fabric of the universe, our minds
must necessarily be ravished with
wonder at this infinate goodness,
wisdom and power.
Please remember to never
restrict anyone's opportunities
for ascertaining uninterrupted
existence for their quintessence.
There is a time for everything,
a season for every activity
under heaven. A time to be
born and a time to die. A
time to plant and a time to
harvest. A time to kill and
a time to heal. A time to
tear down and a time to
rebuild. A time to cry and
a time to laugh. A time to
grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones
and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a
time to turn away. A time to
search and a time to lose.
A time to keep and a time to
throw away. A time to tear
and a time to mend. A time
to be quiet and a time to
speak up. A time to love
and a time to hate. A time
for war and a time for peace.
Best wishes for continued ascendancy,
Dr. Howdy
P.S. One thing of which I am sure is
that the common culture of my youth
is gone for good. It was hollowed out
by the rise of ethnic "identity politics,"
then splintered beyond hope of repair
by the emergence of the web-based
technologies that so maximized and
facilitated cultural choice as to make
the broad-based offerings of the old
mass media look bland and unchallenging
by comparison."
Thanks for the nice comment. It was really helpful. :)
Finding purpose in life is very important to many people, but others tend to go on comfortably not worrying about it, either accepting a purpose given to them by their church, parents, or society, or just able to "be". Those people are lucky.
Those of us who feel the need to live purposeful lives and to make our own meaning in life have a lot of work to do! It's not an easy path and it can lead to depression and angst when meaning leaks out. If you don't believe that a god or other supernatural source provides meaning to the universe and your life, you have to MAKE your life meaningful.
That part is the easier part. The hard part is when things aren't going well, when you have family problems, or your charity work seems not to be useful, and so forth, that the meaning can leak out of your life and you notice the meaninglessness of the universe.
Nothing is scarier. But you can learn to make meaning and maintain meaning in your life and minimize these attacks.
I wrote an aritcle about finding purpose in life having one provided by a supernatural being. It's called "Spirituality without Superstition" and you can read it here: http://www.skepchick.org/spirituality1.html
Please get a copy of "The Van Gogh Blues" by Eric Maisel. I think this book can help you. He talks about how createive people get depressed when they face a "meaning crisis" and how drugs and traditional therapy probably will not solve the problem. The book is outstanding and I cannot recommend it more highly to anyone suffering from this existential angst.
Also, don't stop taking your meds! I think what you are feeling is a direct reaction to the fact that you've stopped. Be more careful about your refills and in the meantime, ask your doctor if you can get some samples while you're waiting for the refill.
Thank you, Donna, for your supportive comments. It really helps to hear from others who understand.
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