I finally saw the psychiatrist today. She asked me how I was without the medication, and I told her. She told me that since Zoloft is not addictive, it's most likely not withdrawal--going from 100mg to 0mg (having the outide help and suddenly not having it) was a shock.
She has put me on 100mg of Zoloft for the next six months. After this period of time, she will talk to me about possibly taking me down to 75mg.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
Meds--Long Post
I saw the therapist today, and I was reminded that I still have a stigma attached to taking medication. It was my therapist who made me realize this.
I have been off my Zoloft (100 mg) for a couple of weeks because I did not make a refill appointment with my psychiatrist soon enough, and I ran out of refills. The past two weeks have made me realize that I still probably need 100mg of Zoloft just as much as I needed it this past summer. The psychiatrist may have other ideas, though, and that’s fine.
For the past couple of weeks while not on the medication, I have been increasingly paranoid, timid, irritable, assuming the worst of people’s intentions, seeing other human beings as being inferior, having violent thoughts, having exaggerated aggressive feelings, being disgusted with the bodily functions of others (besides the obvious that come to mind), blaming those who I have lent support for my lack of mental/emotional energy, and being frustrated with other people. Basically, I feel like was I was back in high school.
Now, I know not having my medication is no excuse for these behaviors. Some of you reading this may have caught fallout from this, and I am sorry if you are one of those people. The main point of this entry is that I am upset by the thought that I actually need medication to act like a decent human being. I know these symptoms are probably from withdrawal, but I am still disappointed that I am not strong enough on my own to make myself be decent. I tried to be decent and not have horrible thoughts, but I gave up trying. It was too hard. I know there really is not any excuse for this, but too much has been going on, and without my medication, I am having trouble caring at all.
It’s hard for me to just chalk it up to being chemically imbalanced because I feel like I am excusing my behavior. It’s also very hard for me to not throw blame at God, even if for just a moment before further reflection. I wonder why I was born this way, I wonder why God “made me” this way, and I become angry. It’s not fair to do that, though. What helps is to remember that (at least in my opinion) all the crap that is out there is a result of the fall, and all of Adam’s descendents are unfortunate recipients of a biological set of cards that will serve them for better or worse. It’s not God’s fault, and I had to remind myself of this.
I guess I don’t want to think that I am still a sinful being. I want to believe that I am past that when I am really not. I guess you can say it is something that could be a humbling experience if received, but damn, it’s hard.
My therapist told me something that really helped. Paraphrased, she told me that a person’s nervous system is no different from the heart, and since needing a pacemaker does not make someone a bad person, needing medication to keep the nervous system (which includes the brain) in balance does not make someone a bad person either. I just hate the thought of weakness in myself.
Also, when I am on the medication, I appreciate it because it helps. However, I did not allow myself to recognise my own stigmas against taking medication, and a part of me is still ashamed of it.
Edited at 6:57 PM on 2/25/06
I have been off my Zoloft (100 mg) for a couple of weeks because I did not make a refill appointment with my psychiatrist soon enough, and I ran out of refills. The past two weeks have made me realize that I still probably need 100mg of Zoloft just as much as I needed it this past summer. The psychiatrist may have other ideas, though, and that’s fine.
For the past couple of weeks while not on the medication, I have been increasingly paranoid, timid, irritable, assuming the worst of people’s intentions, seeing other human beings as being inferior, having violent thoughts, having exaggerated aggressive feelings, being disgusted with the bodily functions of others (besides the obvious that come to mind), blaming those who I have lent support for my lack of mental/emotional energy, and being frustrated with other people. Basically, I feel like was I was back in high school.
Now, I know not having my medication is no excuse for these behaviors. Some of you reading this may have caught fallout from this, and I am sorry if you are one of those people. The main point of this entry is that I am upset by the thought that I actually need medication to act like a decent human being. I know these symptoms are probably from withdrawal, but I am still disappointed that I am not strong enough on my own to make myself be decent. I tried to be decent and not have horrible thoughts, but I gave up trying. It was too hard. I know there really is not any excuse for this, but too much has been going on, and without my medication, I am having trouble caring at all.
It’s hard for me to just chalk it up to being chemically imbalanced because I feel like I am excusing my behavior. It’s also very hard for me to not throw blame at God, even if for just a moment before further reflection. I wonder why I was born this way, I wonder why God “made me” this way, and I become angry. It’s not fair to do that, though. What helps is to remember that (at least in my opinion) all the crap that is out there is a result of the fall, and all of Adam’s descendents are unfortunate recipients of a biological set of cards that will serve them for better or worse. It’s not God’s fault, and I had to remind myself of this.
I guess I don’t want to think that I am still a sinful being. I want to believe that I am past that when I am really not. I guess you can say it is something that could be a humbling experience if received, but damn, it’s hard.
My therapist told me something that really helped. Paraphrased, she told me that a person’s nervous system is no different from the heart, and since needing a pacemaker does not make someone a bad person, needing medication to keep the nervous system (which includes the brain) in balance does not make someone a bad person either. I just hate the thought of weakness in myself.
Also, when I am on the medication, I appreciate it because it helps. However, I did not allow myself to recognise my own stigmas against taking medication, and a part of me is still ashamed of it.
Edited at 6:57 PM on 2/25/06
Monday, February 06, 2006
Beware the Scribes.Net
An aquaintence's webpage, Beware the Scribes.Net, has been revamped. Take a look!
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Beware the Scribes is a place where everyone is welcome to discuss Fundamentalism, politics, spirituality, philosophy, religion, or anything else you think is of merit for posting. You can submit articles after you have signed up on the homepage. Signing up on the forums is encouraged, especially if you have registered on the main page.
Be courteous, and we will be courteous.
Homepage
Forum
Beware the Scribes is a place where everyone is welcome to discuss Fundamentalism, politics, spirituality, philosophy, religion, or anything else you think is of merit for posting. You can submit articles after you have signed up on the homepage. Signing up on the forums is encouraged, especially if you have registered on the main page.
Be courteous, and we will be courteous.
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